I'm hoping that you get to read this.

I don't have words, not a face to explain my actions.
I don't have an allibi, I don't have an excuse.
I don't have apologies, nor begging for forgiveness.
I don't have anything.
What I have is my way to say how stupidly sorry I am.
A way to tell the same story, and why I chose to make it a secret, knowing how dangerous it might turn. I chose to forget it because there was nothing on it, because it wasn't really worth it. It was a mistake, pure pain and regret taken to action.
And right after destroying everything, I wish I could say something to make us feel better.
I wish I could take it all back.
My fucking desperation to be loved.
My constant struggling to feel accepted.
This fear of rejection that's been hunting me for so long.
And how every morning I feel so lonely that I certainly wish to be dead.
And every second since I came back is harder to take.
The thought of the moments I could be spending on your side. The thought of how we'll never be together makes me feel like nothing's worth it anymore. And it isn't.
It's been echoing in my head and it makes me feel anger and a sadness that's so hard to hold that for a moment it makes me want to let all of it go to waste.
This emptiness makes me go evil.
The type of solitude that takes hold of me each second. The kind of feeling that pushes me to don't care about anything, not even me. I knew from the start how possible it was to tear everything apart for deciding to take one night of fake pleasure and bliss. But no, I didn't feel nothing. And after it was all over I thought of how selfish and cruel I've become.
I knew it, it would make me fall into pieces.
And I did it.
If I had to chose again I'd still hide it. It was made for me to suffer, only me.
You're so far away.
And I will never forget how I decided to risk the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. And your voice going "every time is worse than the last one" and how I can't deny it.
Now, for whatever I could wish besides being dead, I wish you to forget me and never think about me again.